Don’t Let Your Two-some Disappear

Photo Courtesy of ©Camila Mendes, Bellatrix Photography

Foremost, don’t lose each other when you have a baby. Happy parents have happy children!

Although no longer the original dyad, you must NOT let your two-some disappear. Trust me; one day these little ones will be independent of you. Couples need to like each other and want the best for each other while building a family together. As partners on the journey of parenthood, you must not lose your friendship, your sensuality, sexuality and enjoyment of each other.

Everyone recovers from their unique childbirth differently. For sexual intercourse most doctors recommend 6-10 weeks postpartum. Generally, the first 6 weeks you’re both just holding on! Sleep deprivation, combined with the new dynamic of everyday life while caring for a new baby, can create many moments of feeling overwhelmed. In anthropomorphic terms – you are no longer a puppy but an adult dog who nurtures the young ones. This is a VERY big change, but with a loving and supportive partner your journey of parenthood has many magical moments to cherish.

That’s a lot of balls to juggle in the air yet people can do it successfully.

A mental exercise that is helpful to do each morning is to make a triangle shape – Δwith your two pointer fingers and thumbs. Touch the top of the triangle to your chin and ask the first of 3 questions:

  • What is the ONE thing I can do today for myself? Something good.
  • On the left corner over your heart, what is ONE thing I can do for my partner today?
  • On your right corner, what is the ONE thing, whether I work inside or outside the home, can I do at work today?

Having a baby plays havoc with your schedule and can change the physical and emotional states affecting your sexuality. Yes, your sexual desire may be shook up by having a baby. For women, that heavy dose of pregnancy estrogen plummets, making new mothers very baby-focussed and not horny. This, combined with fatigue and exhaustion, make sexual intercourse barely a thought. Men, on the other hand, search for their place in care-taking while continuing their outside work, unsure of how to regain a sexual relationship with their partner.
While the mother is getting baby cuddles, make sure to share your cuddles with each other! Consciously remember that you need each other’s touch and support – just like a baby! There is now more than just the two of you. Now you have added a 3rd or 4th or 5th! By having children you have to learn to expand your love and caring – including yourself! Carve out time for you – for us- and for all.

The best gift you can give each other as partners is alone time. Ironic, isn’t it? Yet it is in the recharging of self and spirit that is beneficial to the relationship of the couple and promote the energy to parent.

You should also prioritize time for just the two of you, sans baby! Be creative. Get support. Take time – even if it’s for an hour walk or nap together. Remember to notice each other. Please yourself. Please each other.

Generally the most common roadblock is finding the time. The lack of awake time when you feel alert and capable for sex is daunting. Start by remembering to hug each other for 30 seconds. Kiss each other each day for 30 seconds as well, and feel the melt that can come from the meeting of lips. Value each other as you negotiate the pleasures and bumps of parenthood. Work on getting childcare for some hours during the week to rebalance. Make time every day to check in with each other. Make it part of your day to remember to acknowledge each other.

Understandingly, this is difficult to achieve when stressed. I know the 5 Natural Stress Busters in life: They are Nature, Music, Sex, Rest and Silence. So, I guess that means we should have sex outside, with the music on, then rest and be quiet! Grant you, it may be challenging for sex outdoors in winter, but the underlying message is to have sweet, relaxing time together. Try to do as many as you can each day. It’s a joy to rekindle the knowingness that we chose each other as a partner.

What can you do to assist intimacy? As an adult, you know a variety of ways to please yourself and please your partner. If the spirit moves you, take care of yourself. Hugs – kisses – loving words. Sex is free. Don’t forget to add it to your life. Ignite your sexual chemistry. Search and remember what made you desire each other physically and mentally. Revisit, redo those moments.

Regular sexual release is healthy for men as they find it a stress release. You’ve got lots of baby oil available – handjobs are always appreciated. When you do have time with each other, spend longer amounts of time stroking, massaging, teasing and caressing. Face-to-face time. Consider each other’s preference for when to make love. A complete relationship is intellectual, emotional and sexual. Give thought and action to each element. Be each other’s best lover.

Margaret Mead, the noted anthropologist, once said, “Each one of us needs to know that there is someone who cares where they sleep at night.” Make your bed one of delight and support. Get enough rest. Get enough joy and give each other attention. Don’t disconnect. We can’t read each other’s minds or know their feelings, but we can create a safe place to say aloud what is going on inside.

If you are feeling angry or resentful try this communication exercise as a terrific deep conversation opener. Complete these 5 sentences for each other to read:

  1. I resent ___________________
  2. I regret ____________________
  3. You still owe me ____________________
  4. I still owe you ___________________________
  5. I fondly remember _______________________

Don’t let having a baby break the bond of intimacy and sexuality with your partner. Verbally and physically caress each other. Having a strong loving dyad makes the very best role model for our children’s development and mental health. This is the best gift to give your children – happy parents.

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Rhonda Katz
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Rhonda Katz tackles the tough issues – sex, parenting and money – just some of the hot button topics we all want to know more about. Her advice has brought countless Canadians greater awareness about how to take care of themselves and their loved ones. She delves into the challenges of building healthy relationships with partners, parents and children, improved body image and emotional wellness. Based in Toronto, Ms. Katz is a psychotherapist, consultant, speaker, columnist and broadcaster. Rhonda has a Masters in Applied Psychology and Counselling BA in Psychology and a minor in Theatre Arts & Speech. Her 36 years of practice have consisted of encouraging communication and effective life-skills through counselling individuals, couples and families. As well, Ms Katz has hosted her own radio show, delivered keynote addresses and offered seminar facilitation. A frequent guest on radio and television shows, she showcases her wit and passionate understanding of human interactions.
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