Returning to Sexual Grooviness

How to create a long-lasting, mutually-satisfying sexual relationship

The most common discordant issue for contemporary couples is a difference in sexual desire. If you started compatible and things have changed – something else is going on: mental health; it could be tiredness or anxiety.

Ask yourself: “What’s going on?”

Returning to sexual grooviness after childbirth takes relaxation, time and communication. Having a child gives you an opportunity to build a family together. Make your intent to have a functional one – full of hugs and encouragement. Remember – happy parents have happy children so it is essential for your relationship with your partner to continue to be intellectual, emotional and sexual.

To begin with, I want to give you a working definition of the term “sexual desire”. A typical lovemaking session can be artificially divided into three overlapping stages:

DESIRE, the first stage, can be described as a “spontaneous interest in engaging in a sexual experience”. One minute you are reading a magazine or watching TV, next you’re daydreaming about sex.

For some reason, you’re in the mood for love. If you entice your partner to follow you and you receive sufficient stimulation, you will arrive at the second stage, AROUSAL.  Now you are not only liking the idea of sex, but you become physically flushed, your genitals are becoming engorged, and the walls of your vagina are lubricating. Initially, you may need to add a lubricant to make pleasure easier.

Both of you are breathing faster, if your arousal continues to build you will eventually arrive at the next stage of lovemaking: ORGASM which is that rush of pleasurable feelings – sometimes mild, sometimes intense – caused by muscle contractions forcing the blood to flood away from the pelvic area.

What to do if partners presently have different levels of desire:


  1. Be more direct in asking for sex.

Ironically, many people with high desire are passive about meeting their needs. They hint about their sexual readiness and then expect their partners to take over. Practice being more straightforward. You might say to your partner, “I’m feeling really sexy tonight. I’d like to make love to you,” or “I would really appreciate if we had sex tonight.” “I’m really turned on by you.” Clear, positive communication may evoke a more positive response.

  1. Initiate sex out of love and desire, not out of habit.
  2. Become an expert in creating the desire in your partner. Because your partner has a lower desire than you do, your skill as a lover becomes important. Accept the fact that your partner may need extra stimulation to become fully aroused. Slow down.
  3. Honor your partner’s preconditions.
  4. Add masturbation to your repertoire.


  1. Accept more responsibility for your own arousal. Don’t expect your partner to do all the work. Key into activities you find erotic.
  2. Pay attention to subtle sexual cues. When are you more receptive to lovemaking? What are the preconditions?
  3. Balance your life. Low sexual desire can be a reflection of a lack of excitement in your life in general. If few of your daily activities “turn you on”, it may not be surprising that your sexuality is muted too. Get physical. Create a life that is full and interesting. Wake up your libido.
  4. Make room in your life for sex. With yourself, with a partner. Your partner is motivated more by spontaneous desire; you may have to rely on mental incentive.
  5. Celebrate your mental desire. You can be a wonderful sex partner even if you have a low sexual desire. Your willingness to satisfy your partner’s needs and to create a comfortable sexual life for yourself is cause for celebration.

Ultimately, we want to create a long-lasting, mutually-satisfying sexual relationship.


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Rhonda Katz
Rhonda Katz tackles the tough issues – sex, parenting and money – just some of the hot button topics we all want to know more about. Her advice has brought countless Canadians greater awareness about how to take care of themselves and their loved ones. She delves into the challenges of building healthy relationships with partners, parents and children, improved body image and emotional wellness. Based in Toronto, Ms. Katz is a psychotherapist, consultant, speaker, columnist and broadcaster. Rhonda has a Masters in Applied Psychology and Counselling BA in Psychology and a minor in Theatre Arts & Speech. Her 36 years of practice have consisted of encouraging communication and effective life-skills through counselling individuals, couples and families. As well, Ms Katz has hosted her own radio show, delivered keynote addresses and offered seminar facilitation. A frequent guest on radio and television shows, she showcases her wit and passionate understanding of human interactions.
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